For Those Doing College Drop Off This Fall....

I dropped my oldest child off at college this week, and though I had overly prepared, I was completely unprepared.

Yes, we bought All The Things and yes, we moved him into his tiny dorm room and yes, we went shopping for more things and yes, we had all the special moments and family time leading up to his departure. I cooked his favorite meals the week before he left. And we hit all his favorite restaurants. We played our favorite family games. He spent lots of time with his friends. He was loved on and celebrated by our church. We covered all the bases. But when everything was done and the time had come for us to actually say goodbye, there was nothing that could have prepared me for that moment.

You see, I had seen a million posts of other people's drop offs. I had seen cute dorm rooms. I had seen well stocked shower caddies and closet organizers and all the ways to loft a dorm bed. I had heard from a few, that taking him to college would be hard. But as we unpacked and met the amazing R.A's and fell in love with the roommate, my heart felt peace. And joy! He was right where he should be.

But when the last thing was put away.. and we had shared our last meal together.. our family stood in his tiny room and stared at each other with lumps in our throats. We realized the only thing left to do, was actually say goodbye. And how do you prepare to do that? How do you say goodbye to the person who made you a mom? How do you say goodbye to someone you have poured your heart and life into? How do siblings say goodbye to their big brother and hero? My son's presence in our home is massive. He is steady and calm. He is hilarious. He is fun. He is easy going. He plays music nonstop. He is helpful. He is one of my favorite people to hang out with. He had transitioned from child to best friend. He is wise and considerate and filled with faith. Our family dynamic is uniquely close and fun and each person brings an important element to our family, which makes it ours. How do you say goodbye to one of the founding members? I couldn't wrap my brain around it. But my heart felt the weight of the moment. Tears poured down my cheeks. I could barely speak as the 6 of us threw our arms around each other in a circle and prayed over him. We prayed that his room would be a room where people would feel seen and safe and loved. We prayed God would use him to be a light on his campus. We prayed for his relationships and friendships. We prayed that he would walk confidently in his true identity - as a loved child of God. We prayed that God would allow him to see people how God sees them. We prayed for protection. And when we said "Amen," I said, "OK... youngest to oldest.. here we go." And one by one, we said goodbye. Each of us sobbed as we stood hugging... not wanting to let go. It was more excruciating than I could have ever imagined. He told each of us how much he loved us. We cried in each other's arms for what felt like an eternity, until I finally said, "OK, we gotta do this." And the 5 of us walked out of his room, still sobbing, as he yelled down the hall, "Bye, Ramsay family!"

The tears rolled down our cheeks as we rode down the elevator... the tears rolled down our cheeks as we drove out of the parking lot. And then I kid you not, the tears continued to fall down my cheeks the entire 3 1/2 hour drive home. Jon was doing a little better about halfway through our drive.. until we made a stop to use the rest room. As me and the 3 girls went into the ladies room, Jon went to open the door to the men's restroom... alone... and he lost it. So many little things that are now changed. When we got home, seeing his empty bedroom brought about another wave of tears. Tears fell as Jon did his nightly ritual of putting coffee in the coffee maker for the morning, and had to adjust how much coffee to make, since his early morning coffee buddy won't be there. My 11 year old slept in Jackson's empty bed last night, just to feel close to him. I don't know if I'm supposed to be embarrassed to admit all of that, but I'm not. We are grieving. And that's ok.

Sometimes we think grieving should only be reserved for major things... specifically death. But taking our son to college is a huge, exciting milestone... and also a loss for our family. The dynamics in our home will be forever changed. And to be honest, that is sad. And it's ok to be sad.

I think that's what I wanted to come on here and say. If you are taking your child to college this fall, it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be excited and thrilled for them and to think this is the best thing in the world for their future... and to also be sad for the gaping hole now in your home. It's ok to be so proud of who they are, how ready they are, the adult they are becoming, and also grieve the end of an amazing season. Both feelings can co-exist and one doesn't take away from the other. Joy and sadness are not mutually exclusive. We know this in theory at times, but sometimes we forget to give ourselves permission to fully feel ALL the feels. The more I share glimpses of the joy and pain of our drop off on social media, the more my inbox has been filled with stories of "Me too." SO many mamas (and dads!) who sobbed for days and weeks after college drop offs... and it makes me feel encouraged. Not alone. So often all we see is cute dorm bedding and shower caddies. College drop off IS that, but it's a whole lot more. And the lot more is beautiful too. "Brutiful" is one of my favorite words and this couldn't have been a more brutiful experience.

So plan and prepare. Buy all the things. Move them in and make the bed and hang the shower curtain. Have all the "lasts" and pray a blessing over their future. And then hug them tight as you let the tears fall.. Knowing the tears represent deep love, deep connection, deep relationship. And that's a really special thing. An important, brutiful part of the story. Not meant to be omitted, but to be celebrated.